She said to kiss her where it stinks, so I took her to Allston.

Today’s “LOLWUT?!” of the day:

LIQUID VIRGIN, for all your vagina-tightening needs!

My favorite attributes of this product:

a) the packaging! I’ve been dreaming of being able to somehow squish together my favorite things (Barbies, My Little Pony, and White Out), and now all my dreams have become manifest. Praise the baby Jesus.
b) you need to apply it 15 minutes prior to use! This opens the door to all kinds of fun. For the girl in the bar, you better run scampering to the bathroom right when he says, “So, your place or mine?” And, for the ladies in the committed relationship, nothing says “I love you” like coming up to your man and using your best sultry voice to whisper in his ear, “Sweetie, I just put my drops in. My chemical spill vajay is sealed up tighter than Fort Knox for you!” INSTANT ERECTION.
b.2) speaking of erections, maybe make sure he wears a condom. I can only imagine the hilarity that would ensue if he got that stuff on his junk. “HOLY FUCK MY DICK JUST SHRANK INSIDE YR VAG! WHAT THE SHITTING FUCKSHINGLE?!”
c) all my life, I have been waiting for the opportunity to develop a Cooch Size ComplexTM like the penis thing all the boys have got going on. I mean, what’s the point of gender equality if we can’t be equally insecure about our naughty bits?! Fortunately, this product has come along to reassure me that I can finally jump on that bandwagon and obsess about my vagina in a new and creative way.

This whole idea of “vaginas need to be virginally tight” thing actually isn’t new. I remember having some really interesting conversations with confused and insecure women when I worked at Planned Parenthood (I wish I could get that job again!) and debunking a lot of funny stuff for them. I won’t spam everyone’s list with even more vagina-talk, but there’s a lot of ridiculous simply in the statement “virginally tight.” It makes me lol.

NEWSFLASH: Vaginas are awesome, even without weird chemicals.

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07/16/2008. Tags: , , . Uncategorized.

One Comment

  1. There is so much stuff on the internet! « Bitches Get Stuff Done replied:

    […] I hate it when my elastics get all stretched out. But my vagina… she is not a hair scrunchy. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: these products are […]

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