Boys And Girls And All Our Silly Problems

Today, I want to discuss something important: how positively difficult it is to be a boy.

You guys, it’s hard. Really hard. (Ed. Note: we here at van der Cake HQ are doing our best not to giggle right now. Heh. “Hard.” Heh.) Cause dudes have all this pressure. They gotta be manly. They gotta lift heavy things onto high shelves. They gotta have GIANT, THROBBING PENISES. They gotta SPARKLE. They gotta smell like motor oil and Irish Spring and a musk ox. All at once.

So, y’know, hug a dude in your life. After all, he is really really hurting about his average sized penis. Fortunately for him, most male fashion isn’t designed to highlight the curvature of his junk, or to give it a little extra oomph. He doesn’t need to spend upward of $70 just to find a pair of underpants that will actually hold his bits. In order for dates to push him aside because they are unsatisfied by his johnson, they have to have gotten him naked. Of course, I’ll bet he puts out on the first date, that hussy.

But anyways, if a dude successfully manages to convince a lady that his poker stick is worth takin’ a ride on, he then must spend most of his time worrying that it is insufficiently of a DISCO stick, what with the non-sparklin’. Turns out it’s a poker face and a disco stick and YOU GUYS I CANNOT KEEP YOUR BODY PARTS STRAIGHT. Men are so complicated! They are like an entirely different species or something, I mean, you guys, GENDER DIVIDE LOL. The Grand Canyon ain’t got nothin’ on this shit! So ladies, do your part to bridge the enormous chasm between male and female by always looking at your boyfriend through a kaleidoscope.

Because at the end of the day, your boyfriend is really distraught about hygiene. It is tough, having to simultaneously be clean and dirty, rugged and soft. You guys, he’s still not king. So if he’s going to set down Narsil for just a few seconds to get clean, you best bet he’s worrying about the manhood implications of being all wet and lathered up and without a sword in his hands (Ed. Note: Heh. Sword. In his hands. Heh heh.).

The point is, no matter what gender your physical body is, your mind is, or any other part of you is, we can all enjoy a good bit of immature humor and what the shit guys, I’m really sleepy and my tea keeps getting cold.

I’ll be back for something a little more serious tomorrow. Maybe. Or maybe I’ll just talk more about sex and feminism. Mmm. Sex and feminism. Yeah!

Subvert my dominant paradigm, baby! Harder!


05/10/2010. Tags: , . Uncategorized.

Leave a Comment

Be the first to comment!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Trackback URI

%d bloggers like this: